You can’t force joy - but you CAN make space for it
For many years, my family has had a meeting on Sunday night. We started the tradition when our daughter was young, wanting to train the habit, but continued because it's so supportive for our moods and relationships. It's not always easy to prioritize, and there are definitely times when the resistance is higher than the motivation to make it happen - but when we do follow through, especially in those moments of challenge, the benefit is undeniable.
Last week was one of those moments. The mood was heavy. Our teenage daughter, Kaya, was tired and overwhelmed about the homework she hadn't yet finished. My husband, Geoff, was sore from working on house projects. I was drained by their moods, and was feeling annoyed and stressed about the state of the house.
We started family meeting as we usually do, with a check-in: a time to share whatever's top of mind - thoughts, feelings, perspectives, ideas. No one wanted to go first. I was beginning to have doubts about follow-through - we've given up at times in the past. I felt stuck in my funk, and sensed that they did, too.
After much silence, Kaya began to speak. She shared how tired she was, and stressed about the coming week. She talked about concerns with friends, and annoyance with classes. She voiced anxieties about time and activities, unsure how she'd make it all work with the start of swim season.
Making space for joy by noticing our feelings. Image source: PICRYL.com
Over the course of just a few minutes, what she shared began to shift – instead of only dread and complaint, glimpses of possibility and hope began to emerge. By pausing to name what she was feeling, she'd made space for something different. Her tone softened and her body relaxed.
This created a ripple effect. In my own corner of the couch, I felt my body begin to relax, my breath deepen. Looking over at Geoff, I could see he was feeling it too - we were all softening together. I felt more connected, and began to notice a glimmer of joy. Most palpably, I was present to a deep sense of pride and gratitude for her willingness to take the lead and remind me of what's possible when we stop resisting what we feel.
Neuroscientist Dan Siegel calls this "name it to tame it" - when we identify and label our emotions, we actually calm the emotional centers of our brain, creating space for other feelings to emerge. This is the heart of what I mean when I say you can't force joy, but you can make space for it. We can notice what we're feeling. We can name it. We can accept that these feelings are present without judgment. These aren't ways of forcing ourselves to feel differently; they're ways of creating the conditions where joy becomes possible.
